JUST ABOUT ME

Day 2 was much easier than day 1 and I seem to be coping today. I have had my vanilla shake and am eagerly awaiting my "chicken suitable for vegetarians" soup.

I think this weekend will be hard as I think I am going to find it hard to watch the others eating the last 2 nights I have gone off to work and left them to their dinners.

Only side effect has been weeing all the time and now seem to have diahorea as well, well I suppose it is all emptying me out however I lose the weight is fine by me.

Had another to do with Bank of Scotland, I didnt think one company could be so totally hopeless.

Well here I am day 2 and I managed to survive yesterday with only food packs and water. I went to work in the evening in the pub which I think makes things easier but I do have to hand over all the crisps and peanuts and before if I wanted a pack I had one. Last night was easier as well as it was quiz night so no food is served but tonight I will have to serve the dinners. I will just have to remember how fantastic I am being!!

I have got both Bethany and Archie off school again today as Bethany still has tummy ache and Archer seems to be really constipated and can hardly walk he seems to have a fear of going to the loo after last week when he had a bad tummy. Sorry enough toilet talk.

Unlike some people on this diet who choose not to tell anyone I am the opposite and I have told everyone.....I want to make sure I am under pressure to succeed I have told all the guys in the pub all they are concerned about is I dont lose my boobs! Actually they have all been quite surprisingly supportive though no more drinks will be bought for me as they all know I can't have any.

Now I have got to go and phone Bank of Scotland I have never known a company be so useless when dealing with a complaint of their own making.

Well today I finally started lighter life and to be honest I can't believe that I am actually doing it. Went to the first meeting last night and it was ok the counseller seemed to spend most of the time talking which I am not sure is supposed to be the way it works but that is ok we all know that we are only really there to get the food packs and be weighed, maybe as this progresses I will find the counselling more useful but so far I don't feel much either way. We had to watch a dvd first for 20mins which again was ok a bit like reading all those magazines in which people tell you of all the weight they have lost and what a difference it has made to their lives. I saw the 2hrs through though and did find the evening sociable and fairly enjoyable then I handed over my £66 and I got 28 food packs 4 for each day.

So far today I have had 2 packs and to be honest they are not revolting just not very pleasant hoping that I will get used to them it is quite shocking when I think that is all I can eat for at least the next 100 days.

I had to take Archie to the dentist today and Bethany is off school with stomache ache and when I gave them their lunches I did find it hard not to lick my fingers and when Bronte didnt want her banana I had to remember that I couldn't eat it..........and it is only the 1st day. I do keep reminding myself that the counseller said that every stone you lose is a dress size and I am so hungry that I can feel the weight coming off! Have been told this hunger will pass so can cope at the moment.

When I got home from the session last night Andy seemed to be in shock that I had actually gone through with it and all he kept asking was when was I going to be able to eat again and how long was 100 days! When I explained ( which I have done on numerous occasions )that I may need to do another 100 days if I havent lost all my weight on the first attempt he seemed to struggled with the concept........not sure if it is the financial implications which bother him! One woman in the group hasnt told any of her family including her husband that she was about to embark on the diet. I dont think I could manage without Andys support even if it is a little loose.

Half term and poor Archer is really ill he has been suffering with a dreadful sore throat and general aches and pains all over his body. Doctor said that as it is viral there is nothing that he can give him to help just keep dosing with calpol, which is helping but how miserable for him in his half term.

I am still managing not to eat between meals but am making the most of this being my last week of proper eating went to friends for lunch yesterday and enjoyed all on offer knowing that next week I wont be able to participate. we are all going to the same friend for dinner on Saturday night, I keep wondering how I am going to be when I wont be able to do these things am I going to become really dull and boring and not want to go anywhere, or worse still no one will want to invite me anywhere!

I am really really really fed up was all set to go to my first lighter life session last night I have been so ready to get started and really quite excited then at 4.30pm I got a call from someone from lighter life telling me that due to unforeseen circumstances the group has had to be postponed until 26th February 2 weeks away. I feel so let down I cant believe that a group which focus' so much on how you are feeling being to do with your weight gain can treat people like this. The inevitable then happened I phoned my husband and told him that I wanted to use the £66 which I had on the side for the class to get a chinese! (Not all 66 of it). I now feel really bad and feel asthough I have lost the motivation that I had. I really must get this back from somewhere and not let myself down. I suppose this way I can still eat which the kids during half term.

The count down has begun the diet begins tomorrow well I go to the first meeting tomorrow night so I suppose it really begins Wednesday. It might sound mad but I am really excited I have heard so many success stories that it feels asthough I cant fail, but that then scares me as it is quite a bit of pressure but then that is a good thing I have told everyone that I am going on the diet as I need the pressure of everyone to stop me failing everyone is going to be expecting me to succeed and they are all being really supportive. I have had the odd comment about it not being a good way to diet but that is definetly the minority of people.

Made a sunday roast yesterday which was our last one of a while told the kids I would make a lasagne tonight as I dont know if I am going to be up for cooking once on the diet told the kids they will be living off fish fingers, chicken nuggeats, chips etc for a while. Whilst I slim they get fat!! I think they will all cope for a while though.

It is lucky that I am working valentines night because I think it would be strange so early on in the diet not to be sharing a chinese that night. Andy and I dont go out a great deal 3 kids put a stop to that, but we do have lots of take aways together and it is definetly about the sharing of it so we really need to find something else that we can do together that isnt eating!

Worked last night in the pub and today I have been exhusted. Spent most of the day obsessing about food, I kept thinking how on earth am I going to cope when I cant eat anything solid, but I am determined. I am going to make this work. I can hear my husband in the kitchen making himself a bowl of cereal after he has already had a curry I made for tea. At least he didnt ask me if I wanted anything.

Due to start the diet on Tuesday and actually I am desperate for the day to come, I really feel that I need to and want to get on with it.

Andy wants to book a holiday but I said that I cant think about going away and not being able to eat at the moment I may be able to once I am up and running but I have asked him to hold off booking anything for a little while. Andy has been really understanding about all this I didnt think he would be this supportive and I really do appreciate all the help he is giving to me.

I am having trouble getting onto the computer to write this blog as my 10 year old daughter spends her entire time on MSN and I have to fight to get her off.

I have been practising drinking the required 8 pints of water a day and am finding this quite difficult, mostly it is remembering to do it. I was out in the town today , to open Bronte a bank account up, and I didnt manage to drink whilst I was out, I need to make sure I always take some water out with me or I am really going to struggle with the water.

I have asked Andy to take regular photos of me to see if I can see a difference in myself, he did say for me not to get my hopes up which I did find disheartening.

I have been to see my doctor which I had to do before embarking on this diet and she was really supportive about the diet and said that she knew others that had done it and been successful and she fully backed my decision to give it a go. She did say that I have to be careful when I stop the programme and go back to ordinary food, but I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. One thing at a time. One thing which was a bit depressing though was the doctor weighed me and I weighed a stone more than I thought I did but I cant think about what I weigh I just have to concentrate on what I am losing.

Went out with a friend to day same friend I see most Wednesdays we take the babies to a music class. After the class we usually come back to my house for something to eat or go for coffee. My friend is slim (though I know she works at that) and doesnt tend to eat anything with coffee, but when i go for coffee I normally say if I want a cake I'll have one and I dont care, but today I only had a black coffee which if you know me was a really big thing. I bought a crossiant for Bronte and didnt even have a tiny bit. Came home and had a small lunch and then came on here to keep occupied as Bronte is now asleep.

Andy just phoned to say the plumber is on his way as we have a leak from our dishwasher which has caused a nightmare in our kitchen. I went to try and find the stop cock which involved pulling out the washing machine and dishwasher i couldnt get the dishwasher back and ended up sitting there in tears, whilst Andy kept ringing me to ask how I was doing!

Plumber has now turned up and yes the stop cock was where Andy says it was should have just left it to the plumber he found it and turned it off in about 20 secs.

I am due to go to work tonight in the pub and I have just fed the kids and myself pancakes it feels significant that tomorrow is the beginning of lent I feel asthough I am about to start 40 days and nights in the wilderness. The trouble is my journey is going to take longer than that. Most people give up chocolate or crisps for lent I am giving up food. Th more I think about what I am doing the harder I realise it is going to be, so far I havent been able to cope with the hunger of just not eating snacks between meals ( though I havent had any snacks for quite a few days now ) I think just the fact that I will have spent £66 for the week will make sure that I stick to the diet.

I have been reading another blog on here of another woman doing the diet and she has been on it for just over 2 weeks and is doing really well so that is giving me motivation.

Anyone reading this will think that I am mad going on and on about not being able to cope when I havent even started the diet yet, but I know that I am really determined that this will work and yet know how hard it is going to be and at the moment it is my all consuming thought.

I don't really have anything to write but I just need to take my mind off food it is amazing when you mustnt do something how it is all consuming in your mind. I know that I havent started the diet yet but I really want to start now not eating any snacks if I can start to get used to that it must make it easier when I start the diet for real.

I am so glad though that I havent started yet as I am feeling really rough at the moment and a little down, not really sure why. It could just be that I am really feeling nervous and on the edge of what could be a really new beginning, but I wont know how I am going to do until I start. It is easy to talk and write about being on the diet but it will be another thing actually doing it and to be honest I am scared that I wont succeed when everyone else who goes on it seems to have huge success. I think I have already in my mind seen myself a lot slimmer in 3 months time and if it doesnt work I think I might get really depressed.

Bethany has lost her bottom part of her brace so we have got to go to the dentist this afternoon to see if they are going to charge us to replace it. I think that is what is getting me down as well at the moment worrying about that as we really dont have any spare cash. I have spoken with the insurance company though and they have said that it will be covered but we do have to pay the excess and lose our no claims bonus but it will have to be.

I have added the above photo of me with Bethany as I must see what I look like and accept it and one day I will buy a top that isnt black. That will probably be the last photo I put on here of me for a while as not only are all the others really horrid but I dont have many pictures of me as I do avoid the camera.

Well I am amazed that I am up and running with this blog thing it was easier than I thought it was going to be though sure I am going to discover that I havent done something right.>

My main reason for starting this diary is that I am about to embark on I wouldnt nessarcarily say the biggest challenge of my life, I think so far that was coping when my 1st husband walked out and left me with a 6 month old baby, but then I managed to cope. This challenge is far more self focused I am about to start the lighter life diet programme. I am going to use these pages to record how I am feeling and to motivate myself when I am feeling low.

The basis of the diet is that I dont eat anything at all except what is supplied in liquid form from the counseller these "drinks" add up to 500 calories per day and on that I really should lose weight.

The idea sounds great and I am really excited about starting but also extemely apprenhensive as I am aware that I am going to feel really hungry in the first few days but I am told that that feeling goes away after a few days and then I am supposed to feel more energetic, we shall wait and see.

I am due to offically start the diet on Tuesday 12th February, you may say why so long away but the classes are started in groups and that is when the next group is starting on a night that I can attend.

I am sitting here writing this trying to drink a pint of water because along with the drinks given to us I have to consume at least 8 pints of water which I feel is going to be a challenge.

The cost of this diet is £66 which sounds alot and is alot of money to me but i have considered this and decided that my health is worth more to me and I really want to be around to see my 3 children get married and have their own babies.

In order to do the diet you have to have at least 3 stone to lose I probably could do with losing 5 stone but think I would be estatic if I could lose 4 and I think this amount would be enough to make a big difference to the way I look and feel.

I dont feel very well today as last night Andy and I went out to a 40th birthday party ( we are getting to that age) and it was a barn dance. We had an absolutly fantastic time but it was amazingly hard work we were all sweating and turning red. I woke up this morning with my joints aching and a mouthful of ulcers my throat is really sore and I could really do with going to bed. We have had a roast dinner today probably the last one I am going to cook for a while as I have told the family that once I am on the new diet that I wont really be cooking I will obviously cook for the children but it will have to be something easy like nuggets and chips and Andy has already said that he is happy to cook for himself. I think actually he is secrectly pleased.